


Fathers

by roxyeisen



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 18:22:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14086863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roxyeisen/pseuds/roxyeisen
Summary: Continuation of the last scene of the finale. William's perspective.





	Fathers

I’m lost.

I’ve always been a kid who could take care of himself. I wasn’t ever big on trust. But I didn’t realize how much I needed my parents until I didn’t have them anymore. I’ve lost everything. My safe life, my hopes for the future, my writing, friends, home … everything is gone.

More than that, the part of me I’ve always tried to hide or ignore has taken over. Suddenly, I can’t control all of these powers and they scare me. How many lives have I ended? What kind of a curse must I be living under now that I have caused so much mayhem and death? My parents taught me about the Ten Commandments. One of them says “You shall not murder.” 

Does that mean I’m going to hell?

Am I already in hell?

When I took on the form of the man who calls himself my real father, I was hoping the first man to claim he sired me would shoot me. I’m not sure why he’s so mad at the other guy – his son – that he wants to kill him. But I can read minds if I want to do so badly enough. I know he wanted his firstborn son dead. 

I didn’t think the guy named Mulder should have to die. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that my birth mom needs him. I think she needs him a whole lot more than she needs me. That’s why I told her to let me go.

That, and I was hoping if I gave my life for them, I might be absolved of all the wrong I’ve done. But here I am, soaking wet, sitting on a dock freezing my ass off, and the guilt hasn’t lightened up at all. I didn’t really think a gunshot wound to the head would kill me, anyway. I’ve survived much worse.

I know I’m supposed to be a man. My adoptive father always said I had a choice, no matter what was happening. I could choose to do the right thing. But my father wasn’t big on admitting I had my powers. It gets confusing, trying to figure out what the right thing is when you live in a body like mine. When you have so many fathers telling you different things about who you are and what your purpose is.

There are still ambulances and police cars everywhere. They pass by me every few minutes, not seeing me, not knowing I am hiding here in plain sight. I’ve had to listen to my mother cry again when she and Mulder discovered their friend under a car. He’s in the ambulance now. They’re trying to revive him. My mother is inconsolable and Mulder just holds her, staring into the sky like he can’t believe how wrong this night has gone.

I’m curious about him. Smoking Dude says he’s my brother. Which is weird, and not in a cool way. But I don’t get a “brother” vibe from Mulder. He looks at me like my adoptive father did. Like he has high hopes for me as a man. Like he’s proud of me. Like he wants to protect me. He sure feels like a father. Much more than Smoking Dude ever did. He just wanted me to help him destroy humanity so he could play God.

I didn’t admit it to him, but it meant a lot to me when Mulder hugged me. He didn’t even care that I didn’t hug him back. It made me really miss my parents. It made me feel like maybe I wasn’t as alone as I have felt these past couple months.

My parents come walking down the dock toward me. I think they’re trying to stay warm while they wait. I quickly disguise myself as a cop and try to look busy, but I watch them out of the corner of my eye. They’re still holding on pretty tightly to each other. Like they’re afraid they’ll fall apart if they don’t hold one another together.

I wonder what it’s like to have someone like that in your life. Someone you can trust. Someone who’ll hold you up when everything gets massively trashed.

“Scully, did you really mean those things you said? Do you really believe now that William was nothing more than an experiment that shouldn’t have existed?”

My teeth clench together and I stare hard at the boards of the dock. So hard they start smoking. I look up and try to exhale slowly. Let the emotions dispel without killing everyone in the vicinity, including the people who are supposed to be my real parents.

“No,” she says, and my feelings even out. I get control. But I notice as I breathe out a sigh of relief, Mulder’s eyes dart to my face. He watches me curiously for a moment before he looks back at my mother.

“Why did you say it?”

She shakes her head, trying to gain a measure of control over her emotions. “Because I was furious with him for stealing our son away from us. Mulder, I want William to be our child. So much that the thought of him being the Smoking Man’s evil little plan unhinged me. I didn’t know how to process it.”

“He’s a liar,” Mulder reminds her. “He’s never told us the truth. He’s always only interested in his own agenda. I read the DNA results when we tested William’s DNA. He was your son, Dana.”

“I know,” she says, closing her eyes, her eyebrows knit together like she’s in pain. “I know he is. And I love him as much as I ever did. Even if he’s truly gone.”

“They pulled out Smoking Man’s body,” Mulder says to her. I notice he doesn’t refer to the old man as his father. I don’t blame him. “But they didn’t find William’s.”

“If he has the sort of powers we’ve seen before, he may very well be alive.” She stands up straight. Looks around. Her eyes fall on me. “He could be any one of these people.”

I shiver. Look away.

Mulder lets her go and turns in a circle. “He’s here, Scully. I can feel him.”

She nods. Her breathing is labored. Her hand unconsciously falls to her stomach. Does she remember when she could keep me safe? Is she remembering what set my heart beating? Can she recall the visions we’ve shared in the space between our minds?

“William … Jackson,” Mulder says as he turns slowly, looking around. His eyes catch on me again. “If you can hear us, this is a card with my information on it. There’s an address. We live there. You can come home.”

Home. The thought of it makes me weak in the knees. How I want to go home. How I want to feel my mom’s hands on my cheeks as she kisses my forehead before I leave for school. How I want to argue about curfews and sit in my room all evening drawing and writing stories while I listen to my parents happily go about their lives. I want to go home. Would home with Dana Scully and Fox Mulder be anything like my home was? 

No. I’d just end up getting them killed, too. It’s not worth it. I think I’m just meant to be on my own. 

Alone.

They walk back to the ambulance. I stare at that card Mulder left stuck between the boards of the dock. I stare at it for a long time before I have the courage to go pick it up.

I only realize after I’ve taken it that I’m no longer disguised. I look up quickly to see if they recognized me. My mother is facing away, but Mulder is watching.

He smiles. Nods.

And then he turns around. Lets me walk away without trying to stop me. Like he’s going to let me be a man and make my own decision. Like I have a choice. Smoking Dude never gave me a choice. 

I think it’s pretty clear who my father really is.


End file.
